Mischievous ministrations
by Crazy4Moony
Summary: There's just one or two things that you can't tell your son--or you can, but James just choses not to. That won't stop him from frolicking in Potions labs with his secret lover though. Boy, will Harry be in for a treat! JPLM. Why isn't whinning a genre?


**Mischievous ministrations**

**AN: Warning: beware the utter nonesensicalness of this fiction.**

They had ten minutes to class—Harry had checked twice to be sure, because he really didn't want to be late for the first Potions lesson. There were some Slytherins waiting by the door already, and Harry, Ron and Hermione joined the Gryffindors that were leaning against the wall. It was then that they heard a squeak—and someone yelling. Harry recognised that voice.

"Come on Severus!" It was Harry's dad. He frowned at the door—and those that recognised the voice of Mister James Potter, auror extra-ordinair, looked at Harry in question. "I'm asking you really nicely!"

"Just tell the minister I don't have it yet." Snape's voice piped up, and they heard a groan.

"If I go to the ministry without the ingredients, he'll make me stay!" James protested. "Come on, I just wanna go home Severus!"

"_Home_?" Snape sounded mocking, and Pansy whispered something to Blaise. "Or is it by any change Lucius' bed you're going to?"

"Shutup!" James hissed. "None of your business! Lucius doesn't... we don't... we..." he faltered, and Harry's eyes widened slightly.

"What the hell are they talking about?" Harry whispered, and Hermione shrugged her shoulders.

"Oh, wait," she got out her wand, pointing it at the dungeon wall. "Maybe we'll understand better if we can see what they're doing."

Harry looked quite sceptical at this, but allowed the brunette to mutter a spell. The wall became transparent, and they could see inside the classroom. Snape was behind his desk, looking stoic as always, head resting in his hand as he observed James. Harry's dad was blushing fiercely, sitting on one of the student's desks.

"Of course you don't," Snape rolled his eyes and James glared. "No. Because you don't fumble in closets and stuff."

"No we don't!" James got even redder and he stood. "I mean... well, sometimes... but fumbling is something teenagers do!"

"Oh, do forgive me," Snape drawled, and he looked at James with piercing eyes. "What I meant to say was: 'of course you don't, no. Because you don't fuck each other six ways from Sunday.'"

"Ugh, shutupshutupshutup. It's none of your business! Just give me the stuff and I'll go and you never have to see me again."

"Yeah, until I unconsciously open the hall-closet in Malfoy mansion." Snape glared and James pouted.

"That was this one time thing! And don't think you were the only one that was scarred for life by that experience," he whined. "I thought it was his son or something."

At that exact moment, Lucius Malfoy turned around the corner—Harry's eyes were close to bulging out of their sockets, and Blaise smirked when he saw the older Malfoy. The blonde gave them a curious glance, before entering the Potion's lab. Snape looked up.

"Ah, Lucius, we were just talking about you." He smiled, and James turned—his cheeks were impossibly red by now.

Lucius quirked an eyebrow—a standard Malfoy-move—and flopped in one of the chairs, crossing his legs.

"Nothing too bad I hope?" He questioned, and James bit his lip. "The minister asked me to go see what's taking you so long Mister Potter."

James whimpered and pushed both of Lucius' legs down in a swift move, sitting atop his lap—Harry's mouth dropped and Ron had a look of utter disgust on his face. Blaise and Pansy shared a smile.

"It's his fault, he's being a bitch about it!" James pointed at Snape childishly.

"I can't help it, Hagrid said the female's not ready for it yet," Snape rolled his eyes again. "We can't pluck the hairs until the right time."

"Well, you go tell the minister then," Lucius grinned, wrapping his arms carefully around James' figure. "Or maybe you want me to go to your mother's house tonight? She'll love to hear about you and Regulus and the weekend in France when you were supposed to—"

He was cut off when Snape glared and got up.

"Fine, fine. I'll tell him," he shoved his seat under the desk, taking his cloak. "But you have to tell the students to wait until I get back, got it?"

"Sure thing Severus." Lucius grinned and Snape scowled, leaving the room without comment.

He entered the hallway, ignoring the stunned looks on the Gryffindors'—and some of the Slytherins'—faces as they continued to stare at the wall. Instead he headed the opposite direction, leaving the corridor.

Inside the room, James hoped off Lucius' lap, flopping onto the teacher's desk instead. He pushed off Severus' stuff, and outstretched, lurking at Lucius—the blonde tipped up his eyebrow again, crossing his legs again.

"You remember when we had sex on this desk?" James wiggled his eyebrows in what had to be a sexy move—Lucius chuckled.

"How can I forget—we earned twenty points when Slughorn found us."

"Heh, he's such a perv," James cushioned his head on his arms, staring at the ceiling. Then he looked at Lucius again. "I wish McGonagall had been so forgiving—she still won't let me in her class unguarded."

"Well it was your fault anyway."

"It was not," James whined, sitting up. He leaned over and sat on his knees, pouting at Lucius. "You were the one wearing a skirt!"

"Yeah well, you're the one that dared me to wear a skirt." Lucius said in a stern voice.

"Pff. Your legs are too sexy for your own good. It's not fair McGonagall thought you were a girl though... girls can't do... _that_." He bit his lip and Lucius grinned.

"_That_, Mister Potter?"

"You know what I mean," James laughed softly, and swung his legs over the side of desk, putting one knee against his chest. "I have to tell you something though," he whispered suddenly, and Lucius frowned. "I think we should have sex."

"Merlin James, you really suck at fore-play." Lucius got up, slowly walking over to the raven.

"But sweety, sucking would count as actual sex." As soon as the blonde was close enough, he wrapped one leg around Lucius' back, yanking him forward.

Lucius chuckled again, and before James could say anything else, he pulled him in close, and connected their lips. Harry stared. Lucius' hands went to James' ass, grabbing him to melt their bodies together completely, and James lowered his leg to wrap it around Lucius' waist—his hands were around the blonde's neck, forcing him closer as they continued to kiss.

Harry hadn't even noticed that the blonde's own son was in the corridor, until said boy rolled his eyes and opened the door to Severus' office—entering the room he caught Harry's attention, and everyone continued to watch as Draco clucked his tongue.

"I wouldn't be doing that right now father," the men broke apart and James glared at the smaller blonde. Lucius frowned. "People are watching—and I'm quite positive Potter is really close to fainting—or puking, either way's possible."

"Potter?" James pushed Lucius away slightly, staring questioningly at the other boy. "What do you..." realisation downed on him and his eyes widened. "Oh _fuck_."

**AN: I'm really getting this thing for ending one-shots with the words 'Oh **_**fuck**_**'. It's too much fun to resist. Hope you all enjoyed! Even if this had no point, no plot no nothing :D Heh. Love one-shots like that.**

**Oh, yeah, I know. People who should be dead are still alive. Wonder wonder.**


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